Truth Bomb Tuesday: You don’t have to let your fears define you
Our fears shape our lives. They determine what we feel we are capable of, and that determines what we can achieve and experience.
So I went on a bit of a research mission the other day, trying to understand how we can confront our fears. I wanted to know what psychology best-practice was.
I was surprised to learn that there’s really on approach that is recognised to work, but there are a number of steps that can support the journey.
I’ve laid it all out in Dymphna Boholt’s Seven Step Guide to Kicking Your Fears In the Butt. Here it is.
1. Understand the value of your fears
Your fears are never irrational. They’re designed to protect you. They’re an essential part of who you are, and the reason that you’re still here, and not squashed under a lorry. So love and accept them. Recognise that they have their place. Don’t push them into the shadows.
2. Understand where fears come from
Our fears originate in the Amygdala – the lizard brain. This is the part of our brain that controls our fight or flight responses. And for evolutionary ages it’s done a fantastic job of responding quickly to dangers and keeping us safe.
However, it’s not always fit for purpose. The lizard is not always good at discerning between mortal dangers and growth challenges. It’s why some people are more afraid of public speaking than snakes (even though I’ve never heard of anyone being killed by a public speaking.)
This isn’t something to feel bad about. It’s just useful to realise that sometimes the intensity of your fear is just your inner lizard freaking out about a situation it has had no evolutionary training for.
3. Identify fears – give them definition.
Sometimes we don’t know exactly what we’re afraid of. If you’re afraid of public speaking for example, what is it you’re actually afraid of? Is it looking foolish? Is it the possibility of material loss, like losing your job.
The more definition you give your fears, the easier they are to work with.
4. Explore the downside
If we think it through and can convince ourselves that we can live with the downside – that it will actually be ok – then the fear loses some of its sting.
5. Focus on the goals on the other side of your fears
If you can get a clear idea of what lies on the other side of your fears – and how much you want that – then that will help build the motivation to take your fears on and overcome them.
6. Fear-ladders – exposure therapy
This is the essence of it, and really the only tool that modern psychology offers. The basic idea is that we need to slowly acclimatise to our fears, slowly, step by step, building the confidence we need to face them.
So if we’re afraid of spiders, we might start by looking at a picture of a flower that looks like spider. Then looking at a picture of a web, without a spider in it. Then looking at a picture of spider far away in the distance. And then closer. And so on.
Bit by bit, we begin to teach our lizard that the thing we fear isn’t that scary after all.
7. Reframe fear as positive challenge
The final step is pretty modern and I don’t think it’s tested. But I still thought it was interesting.
So basically when we feel fear, we try to catch ourselves, and instead of saying, “I’m feeling afraid,” we say, “I am feeling challenged.”
It’s the same feeling. One has a positive connotation. The other a negative.
In this way, we can reframe what we’re feeling, and make it more tolerable.
Anyway, that’s what my research suggests.
And look. I’m not a professional researcher. I’m not trained. I just nerd out about this stuff sometimes.
But there is one thing I know for sure.
We don’t have to let our fears define us.
DB.