Truth Bomb Tuesday: Burning out? You might be asking the wrong question.
We give too much of ourselves.
We give to others – we support, we care for, we champion others – but sometimes we do it in a way where it’s not sustainable. We deplete and run ourselves down, and in time, we start to resent the caring roles we’ve taken on.
It’s tempting to give this a gender dimension. And it’s true, I have worked with my fair share of mother’s who have given their entire lives – sometimes in almost a literal way – to caring for their families.
But it’s true of men too. Maybe we just don’t know how to recognise it for what it is yet. The current generation of men take their responsibilities very seriously. They naturally put others before themselves, and sometimes the length they can still go to after they have completely battered themselves to pieces is nothing less than heroic.
But oftentimes, sooner or later, something breaks. We collapse. We can’t give any more.
And sometimes that comes in a violent emotional outburst. We push away the people we have been caring for – like a mother cat swatting away the cub that’s always hungry – because we just can’t carry it anymore.
And then we feel terrible about it.
We feel terrible about it because we really do want to care. We love caring. It makes us feel good about who we are. We like ourselves more when we are generous and supportive of others. We believe that is how we ‘should’ be.
But when we can’t live up to that ideal? It hurts. We are disappointed in ourselves. We feel like we have failed.
That sucks.
So what’s the solution?
Well, some people would say that we have to have clearer boundaries, and more limits around how much we give.
And I think that is true and that is part of the puzzle.
But I think the more interesting part of the puzzle is a question about how we nourish ourselves.
How do we equip ourselves with the energy and resources to be the generous and caring being that we want to be?
And I think this is one of those cases where the medicine is in the pain.
I love working with someone who has hit this moment of burnout, because the voice of their needs always super clear.
Sometimes you need to get past the defensive distancing. “Screw my kids. They’ve always been ungrateful brats. They have no idea how much I’ve sacrificed for them.”
“Yes. That might be true. But you love being their mother. Caring for them nourishes you in a way that nothing else can.
“And my bet is that you listen, there is a part of you that longs to be cared for the way that you care for your children.
“What is it asking of you? Why does it feel unfair that others receive while you miss-out? What is it exactly that you’re missing out on?”
This is a question that can transform your life.
Because once you have an answer to that, you have super clear signal about what you need to be the person you want to be.
That’s incredibly valuable information.
And once you have a clear fix on what it is you need, you then have the power to make sure your need is met.
And look sometimes that’s about self-reliance. But often it’s not. Sometimes it’s just telling your husband that a foot-rub once a week would mean the world to you.
Your agency is in the asking. But some needs will need an other to deliver them.
But the point is, if you feel like you’re giving too much, you first question should be about how you receive, not how much you give.
DB.