Truth Bomb Tuesday: A lot of people are doing it tough. Here’s one way I think about it…
“I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.”
(Ok, I think I’m supposed to offer a trigger warning here. I’m talking about how we find the will to go on…)
With everything that’s going on right now – with all the stress and drama on Covid – which was just layered on all the stress and drama that was life pre-Covid – I thought I’d reflect on a conversation I had with someone a while ago.
As she said, she was done.
“I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.”
“What do you mean babe? What are you saying..?”
“No no. I’m not saying I’m going to kill myself…. But I’m also not saying that. I’m just done. I’m done here. If I suddenly found myself in the middle of the road with a Greyhound bus bearing down on top of me, I’m just not sure I’d get out the way.”
“Life is long. It’s so long. I’m so tired. I’m feeling like there’s a cozy bed for me somewhere in the stars, and I just want to curl up in it for a thousand years or two.”
“I’m not planning an exit strategy. I’m not there yet. But I’m really having trouble landing my reason for sticking around. I keep telling myself that it’s worth it, but I’m just not feeling it…”
Poor darling. She was having a rough time of it.
And I get it. I’ve been there too. Suicide is not something I imagine I’d ever really contemplate, but I feel like I know the space it comes from.
It’s a hard space to be. It’s can be grinding and relentless.
And bringing yourself back from that brink… well, it’s not easy. It was a complex array of factors that got you there. Getting you back is going to be a complex journey as well.
But there’s one thing I want to share.
And that’s that sometime, when there’s a voice inside of you that seems to be calling out for death, like there was for my friend, well, sometimes that’s a voice that needs to be heard.
Because maybe what it’s calling out for is not total and complete death, but a partial death. A death of the life you’ve been living up until now.
Maybe it’s the way you live for others, always sacrificing your own needs and time.
Maybe it’s the way you live too small, boxed into a job you hate and a relationship that smoothers you.
Maybe it’s the way you live in constant financial stress, hand to mouth, never knowing where the next meal is coming from.
Maybe what you’re wanting to escape is this life – these elements of your life.
And not ‘life’ itself.
And that’s perfectly valid. It’s perfectly reasonable. When I was a single mum trying to figure out how I was going to feed my kids, I felt trapped in a life I didn’t want to be living.
But I found a way out. I found a way to let the old Dymphna die, and to be reborn into a new Dymphna – a Dymphna that was standing up for her needs and wasn’t going to put up with any crap any more.
I reincarnated myself.
And so look, I know things are hard right now. These are crazy times.
But if you’re finding life hard, maybe that’s right. Maybe it’s a signal from yourself – from your body or from your soul – that this life just isn’t working for you right now.
And there’s a new life waiting for you. There’s always a new life waiting for you.
And please, if things are overwhelming you, reach out to someone. I know we’re not great at that in Australia. But please, be a pioneer. Help us create a new paradigm of owning vulnerability and finding support when you need it.
I know there’s some great stuff happening within the ILRE community if you’re part of it. If you’re not yet, there are resources available. Beyond Blue is a great place to start, for example.
So stay strong everyone. We’re going to get through this.
I know we will.