Truth Bomb Tuesday: You probably care too much
A little while ago I was hauling the boat down the highway.
Not to brag or anything but it’s a big boat. A lovely big boat.
And you’d think that a boat should be designed with aerodynamics in mind, but the drag is pretty substantial, and there were definitely periods where we are going a good way under the speed limit.
And with that, there were times where we had half a dozen or so cars lined up behind us on the single-lane stretches.
I started to get uncomfortable.
“Those people are going to be so annoyed. They’re going to be angry with us.”
But I’m familiar with this thought pattern. And I don’t fall for it anymore.
And so I corrected myself.
“Those people, who we don’t know and who don’t know us, and who we will never actually meet and who will never have even the smallest influence on our lives – they might, possibly, if they’re in a bad mood, be annoyed, for a small, practically insignificant time in their lives.”
There. Fixed it.
I’m long enough in the tooth now to recognise that when I worry about the consequences, and when I worry about how someone else might possibly react, 99 times out of a 100, it never comes to anything.
We spend so much time worrying about what total strangers are going to think about us.
And now this isn’t a license to just go out and be a douche bag and do whatever you want.
I’m not saying that.
But what I am saying is that our care-factor is over-calibrated.
Our sense of shame evolved out of a time where we interreacted with maybe 100 other humans in our entire lives. We knew the people we were in contact with.
Not only that, but we also had clear feedback mechanisms for when we did something wrong by the group.
The alpha-mumma would pull us into line. A village council would be called. Someone would speak to our mother.
We didn’t have to wonder if we had offended someone. We knew.
And so this is a psychological system that is just completely out of whack with our day-to-day reality.
These days, especially if you live in the city, 90% of the people you come into proximity with have absolutely no impact on your life.
And if they are people we interact with, we often might have no idea if we’ve offended them. Aussies are hopelessly polite.
“Am I imagining it, or did he grit his teeth a little when he said, ‘Have a good day, mate.’? Is he angry? I can’t tell?”
And so we have a system trying to track 1000s of interactions every day, with no clear metrics to guide us.
It’s no wonder we feel anxious.
So look, it’s a good system. It’s doing its best. And I’m certainly not saying just discard it and do whatever you want.
But just be a little compassionate with yourself. Accept that you are most likely just going to care too much.
Sit back. Relax. We’ll be at the top of the hill soon.
DB.